ever so often i will see things that remind me of the crazy days of cancer. sometimes they're amusing. sometimes they make me tear up on the spot. sometimes i just zone out wonder if that really happened. surely not. it is just a dream. no. it's the worst nightmare possible. she's on vacation with the girls. she's out dancing and will be home late. she's out on one of her flying adventures with her airport buddies. she's running around nyc with pythons wrapped around her neck in time square. she'll send me a text soon with a photo of it. i'll tell her it's not safe to be running around nyc by yourself at 2am even if you left a note telling dad where you went just in case that crazy person found you before we did. she'll do it again because life is just too short. especially when it's staring her in the face.
and returning from my zone i see it is none of the above. yes, there are dreams. many. ones i'd rather not wake up from cause she's there again. there are nightmares too. but this is not one of them. it's reality. whatever that is in a given day. it happened. now life is changed forever. my normal ceased to exist. my future completely reshaped.
but i always await the next glimpse of a memory. i wonder what randomness is waiting around the corner that will reflect that era of life. last night it was a smile. a much needed one. proggy came to say hi. some know what i speak of. the giant green friend, lighter than air, that refused to let go just about as much as her. he hung out by her hospital bed from the day he was delivered. he was affectionately named "proggy" by my little man hausten. he came home with her to cruise the island living with us in her last days. he let go of his string so he could get the best view from the dormer window at the highest point in the apartment. we thought he'd never come down. he chilled with us beyond the funeral and into christmas. and then the day came. he had to give in.
and returning from my zone i see it is none of the above. yes, there are dreams. many. ones i'd rather not wake up from cause she's there again. there are nightmares too. but this is not one of them. it's reality. whatever that is in a given day. it happened. now life is changed forever. my normal ceased to exist. my future completely reshaped.
but i always await the next glimpse of a memory. i wonder what randomness is waiting around the corner that will reflect that era of life. last night it was a smile. a much needed one. proggy came to say hi. some know what i speak of. the giant green friend, lighter than air, that refused to let go just about as much as her. he hung out by her hospital bed from the day he was delivered. he was affectionately named "proggy" by my little man hausten. he came home with her to cruise the island living with us in her last days. he let go of his string so he could get the best view from the dormer window at the highest point in the apartment. we thought he'd never come down. he chilled with us beyond the funeral and into christmas. and then the day came. he had to give in.
and last night he decided it was time to show up again. we only thought he had given up. no. he's found another home. on my unit at dell children's. he hangs with none other than a patient of 3 years old that reminds me of hausten. full of spastic energy ready to make you laugh 'cause he's just excited about life. i'm happy to pass proggy on to another family in need of a giant green friendly smile. i wish him the best and welcome any future visits to my unit as part of his travels.
now that those around me in this friendly east austin coffee shop are wondering what this crazy girl is tearing up over. it's a blog. it's a green frog. it's monday night. it's time to free up my table for another paying patron.
